It's Not You, It's Us [An Open Letter to Whole Foods]

Dear Whole Foods Leadership at the Highest Power,

Like hundreds of your other loyal customers, I make my weekly pilgrimage to your Highland Park store for the highest quality natural and organic products available… (and to check out all of the hot people who show up in their workout attire). Okay, so actually I go bi-weekly just to check out your very attractive customers.


I always start in produce where you’ve trained me to not use those terrible plastic bags for the environment [trust me, I sneer at all those “other customers” who do, too], drop by the seafood and meat counters (where the majority of my pay check is distributed), and on to the wine, cheese and prepared foods where the real magic happens.

I know you and your team work extremely hard to satisfy and delight you customers. But sadly, there is something missing. This something goes against your most sacred value… the “evil” item many of your customers are missing is “Diet Coke.” You might ask… do you know how terrible artificial sweeteners are for you? And we answer, yes… but nothing washes down that calorie-laden beef and gorgonzola sandwich on focaccia bread better than Diet Coke.

We know… you have values. And we respect those boundaries – so tell us what trade off we need to make? We’ll do anything to avoid that Circle K stop we have to make before our grocery trip. How about we buy a carbon offset with each case? Or, adopt a impoverished African child and feed them whole grain for a month? I mean – we’re not Angelina Jolie but we can do our part. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you with your standard “it’s not you, it’s us” letter – but I had to make one desperate plea on behalf of hundreds of thousands of loyal Whole Foods shoppers!


Regards,

Jamie